Moy Soylent 'ell

There are certain words in the English language that I'm sure were created solely to torment me. Very simple words that no one on the planet seems to have difficulty with, other than me.

One of my (least) favorites is "months". Sure, everyone seems content to go about their lives pretending this is a one-syllable word pronounced "munce" but it's NOT! It's the three syllable tongue twister 'mun-th-sss'. Fortunately, for words like months and Connecticut and clapboard, there are ways of avoiding them - use some other increment of time, not go there, vinyl siding. But there is one torturous word that I can't avoid because it's my name - Holmes.

Logically, I realize that "homes" and "Holmes" sound virtually the same when spoken. Yet the letter L is stuck in the middle of Holmes, and I'm incapable of ignoring it. As a result, when trying to utter my last name, I somehow manage to swallow my tongue. It's not a pretty sight as I walk to the pharmacy counter at Wegman's, ask for the "prescription for Holm...glg-gugg", my eyes roll back in my head as I'm asphyxiated by my own tongue. I fall to the ground, seemingly constricted by some invisible Anaconda. While writhing on the floor, I direct a stranger to the epi-pen kept in my back pocket for just such an emergency. With consciousness restored and dignity in the toilet, I pay for my beta-blockers and leave, thankful not to be Carl Holmes.

Growing weary of the negative attention saying my name tends to draw, I came up with a plan. This time, meds reordered, I stride to the pharmacy counter - shirtless, except for a black crocodile skin vest, black hat with shark tooth band, tight black jeans and alligator boots.
"G-dye Luv! Ohms here, and I've come fer me meds!"
"Can you spell the last name?"
"Oye certainly can - Oytch oh el, em ee ess"
"It's for atenelol?"
"That's royt. Me pressures skoy-rocketin' of loyt. As I said tuh me mates the other doy, that's nut a systolic, this is a systolic."
"That'll be eight fifty."
"Comin' royt up."
"Say, you look a lot like the guy that comes in here and swallows his tongue."
"Nup, oym nut 'im - 'e can't live with moy silent 'ell."