De-evolution

I've decided to start a social movement. Hey, it was either that or do laundry.

So far, I've come up with a catchy name for the movement and the basic premise, but the details are still a little fuzzy. Details, schmetails - I'm hoping to form a panel to work on those.

The name of the movement is De-evolution, or D-Ev for short. I figure D-Ev will look snappier on bumper stickers, T-shirts and the cover of Newsweek. The goal of D-Ev is to de-evolve us humans back into the sea - I think we've spent enough time on land. This plan, while simple in concept, will solve most of the worlds problems in one fell swoop.

With two-thirds of the planet covered by water, we will instantly double our living space. Of course, we'll need to figure out who among us will become FRESHIES and who will become SALTIES, but scissor, paper, rock will take care of that. Some of the other benefits:

Obesity: Once we take to the water, we will immediately weigh a fraction of what we weighed on land. And there will be no Big Macs, pork rinds or Twinkies in water, so we'll quickly take those pesky inches off of our waistlines. A steady diet of fish, seaweed and lobster bisque will have us fit in no time.

Noise pollution: This is my personal favorite - underwater is so serene. Cell phones, I-pods, blackberries and mothers-in-law will all remain on land. We won't have to listen to the guy on the cell phone at the checkout counter drone on about his new lawn tractor to his brother in Chicago. Because, you know, this is urgent news. We won't all constantly check to see if it was us who made that beeping nose. We won't have to drive behind the guy who hasn't used his turn signal for thirteen miles because he's got his cell to his hear and the other hand hanging out the moon roof. We will also have laws preventing those creeps at L-G and Apple from inventing waterproof electronics. I hereby lay claim to the name "O-Pod".

Crime: Have you ever tried to flee underwater?

War: All of our weapons of mass destruction will become ineffective underwater. (And if they're not, there'll be no one on land to push the buttons) Besides, there are no boundaries in water, only more water. So the only potential for conflict that I can see is a great FRESHIE-SALTIE showdown. This is one for the panel.

Smoking: No one can say that I'm not making any sacrifices. Hopefully D-Ev can gain momentum before the hit squads from RJReynolds find me.

Dolphins: We get to hang with them. How cool is that? Sure, this may not be a "world problem", but... Dolphins - we get to hang with them!

Power and Arrogance: A few minutes with a Mako is the cure for this. All I can say is, Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Disease: As any grandmother will tell you, "Just stick it in saltwater".

Talk shows, game shows and Reality TV: Even the networks will be able to figure out that it will only take a month or two of Rosie O'Donnell and Pat Sajak gurgling bubbles to make the viewing audience lose interest. (I'm anticipating millions of TV's left at water's edge when we finally make the transition. TV junkies will gather in the shallows, watching them like alligators at a Kenyan watering hole)

Guy's with TB flying on planes: No planes. No coughing or sneezing. No airborne sickness.

Now all I need to do is work on the details of HOW we get reacclimated. I'm pretty sure that if I spend a lot of time standing in the shower or lazing in the pool, the gills will form in no time. I'd really like to have them by this time next year. I'm sure the panel will offer additional tips for reamphibianation.

There you have it. I think it's a solid plan. And if, after a few million years, we decide it's just not working out, we can always come back on land. I'm sure whomever was in charge during our absence will have things in a lot better shape than when we left.

Wait... I just realized that if the plan is successful, there will BE NO bumper stickers, T-shirts or Newsweek.Never mind.